Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
