I can tuck mytits in my pants
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
