is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
