is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
