I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
