I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
