we have pet lesbian snakes
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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