I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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