Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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