My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
