I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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