if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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