so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
