I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
