Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
