Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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