I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
