there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
