Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
