His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
