There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
