i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
where are my eyebrows?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
