I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
