Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Randomize
