I can text with my tongue
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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