On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My hand turned me down
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
