I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize