I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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