I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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