How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
