so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
