my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
