The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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