oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
