lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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