I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
