I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
