Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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