I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
