I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
