If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
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