i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
