even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
