Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize