Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
