matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
