My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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