I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
