she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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