I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
