You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
