Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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