I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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