I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
