Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
