He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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