i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
