I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
