people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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