Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
