Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
