the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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