I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
