and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
