She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I supernannyed him into submission
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
