somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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